(From journal: December 17, 2001 12:30 AM)
IÅfm confused. Naturally, the people around me, being different people, have very different things to say when I tell them about my uncertainty as to my purpose here in Kaminoyama. In fact, very often, I get opposing opinions. ÅgYou should treat this simply as a training time for your next ministry opportunity.Åh ÅgGod has to have an impacting reason for you to be there.Åh ÅgYouÅfre making a difference just by being there.Åh I search the Scriptures for answers, and I see Moses and how he herded sheep for 40 years before leading Israel out of Egypt. Following the same time period, I see how Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years before arriving at the Promised Land. And I see how without those ÅgtrainingÅh times, the end result would never have happened. And personally, I know that there are many areas in which I need to growÅc all of which would be improved greatly from such a training time. But IÅfm on the field now! The frontlines where God is at work in saving people from certain death. I donÅft intend on saving every soul in Kaminoyama myself, but I do intend on helping the church here save every soul in Kaminoyama. And I have 3 months left to do just that. Am I being idealistic? Is my goal unreachable? I hope not, because if it is, why has God called Christian missionaries around the world to leave the familiar back home to a completely alien culture/country? Change takes time, and hereÅc it seems to take more time, but if doing ministry in college last year has taught me anything, itÅfs that I donÅft need to be present to know that change will happen. And this brings me back to the original statementÅc IÅfm confused. By the way things are looking right now, it looks like this 6 month period is a training period for me. At the same time, I have an assuredness that IÅfm here in Kaminoyama to serve rather than to be served. Do I simply trust in the unseen ÅgblindlyÅh and assume that the undercurrents of change are starting to move?
Also, IÅfve noticed that many of the Japanese Christians here seem to be embarrassed of the Gospel message. Sure, American Christians are often too embarrassed or scared to share the message that gives them lifeÅc but the Japanese Christians seem to take it to the next level. It seems too forward they say, or it feels impolite to express their own beliefs as being facts to another. Add in the cultural shyness, and just a general feeling of inadequacy in their own spiritual experience and thatÅfs what IÅfve been witnessing all over. There are of course exceptions, but an overwhelming majority simply have no desire or intention of witnessing to the community around them. Am I going through a pessimistic rant? Maybe. Actually, probably. ItÅfs just, how can they know that their friends, their neighbors, their family members are gonna die, while they themselves know whatÅfs needed to not die? And the mere reason why they donÅft share the life saving Ågmagic potionÅh known as the Gospel, is because they feel itÅfs impolite? People are gonna die because some people want to be polite? How incredibly absurd is that?

(From journal: December 10, 2001 10:27 PM)
About 2 Ω months nowÖ and Iím finally realizing the work aspect of being here. Catching a cold not too long ago has probably accelerated the process. But, the excitement of discovering new things and people has for a large part subsided. Things arenít always changing anymore, and the dust has settled. Take into consideration the fact that I feel overworked with still no clear idea of what my mission is and how I fit into the large scheme of things, and thatís where I am right now: Frustrated, tired, and physically sick, and almost half way through this project in Kaminoyama. Am I making any sort of difference here in teaching 6 English classes, leading 3 Bible studies, and meeting up with various families and individuals? And besides, all of these ministry opportunities were pretty much decided for me. And for the ministry opportunities that Iíd like to be involved inÖ thereís a bunch of problems, no time, no resources, no willing people. In terms of time, Iíd have to somehow go through the process, the ever long process of negotiating with the right people, the right way, at the right time. And itís in the worksÖ itís just that I want immediate results. Thatís my fault I guess. In terms of resources, well, I guess that simply takes faith in God. Heís done more amazing things before. As for willing people, well, the timingís just bad. Right now, everybodyís either working or in school. And here, thereís simply not much more time after work or school. Canít reach a people you donít see on a regular basis. And that bringís me to another thing, I know that the only real way to impact people is to build relationships, but they take timeÖ something neither I nor they seem to have. And besides, hypothetically if the time were there, where are the guys? I can only do so much for all the middle-aged and elderly women who have some ties to the church. And then thereís another problem, am I supposed to take the time to build the relationships only to leave moments later? This church loves talking about the missionaries who came before and how they impacted their lives. But thatís where the conversation seems to end. I mean logically, the next topic of conversation would be regarding what the church is doing to continue these great legacies. There are a few exceptions, but all thatís left seems to be a huge gaping hole in the churchís heart, a hole that only gets filled by the next missionary. And for now, thatís me. And as a result, I feel like I have to do all the things that the missionaries of the past did before me. Theyíve seen what an impact a missionary can have, and so those expectations are placed upon me. And thatís fine, Iíd like to make an impact hereÖ but the church itself needs to be the one evangelizing! The responsibility of evangelism shouldnít be placed upon the missionary or on the pastor but on the church right? But what I find myself being ìaskedî to do is teach more and more English classes solo, which is THE way the church is reaching out to the community. Iíve also taken over a cell group Bible study which is THE way the church hopes to expand. And Iíve been asked constantly to reach out to (seeking?) youth in the areaÖ again, solo, when there are others in the church who an equally if not more so qualified to do the same. I FEEL LIKE IíM THE EASY WAY OUT. ìDonít want to ask someone to do something for the church because youíre afraid that he/she doesnít want to do it?î ìWell, then go ask the missionary because heís a full time Christian worker!î
I donít want to leave a gaping hole here. When I leave for the next project, I donít want the people to wonder what theyíre going to do. Is this too much to ask?