(From journal: December 27, 2001 10:22 PM)
I love how songs of worship can just serve as a reminder of how things really are. ÅgIÅfm forgiven because you were forsaken. IÅfm accepted, you were condemned. IÅfm alive and well, your spirit is within me because you died and rose again. Amazing love, how can it be that you my king would die for me. Amazing love, I know itÅfs true, itÅfs my joy to honor you. In all I do, I honor you.Åh Hearing this song, I was finally reminded of why I even came to the decision to come here. I thought I remembered yesterday as I was complaining and whining. ÅgIÅfm here to help save the people of Japan,Åh I would have said. And thatÅfs partly right as to my PURPOSE here. But itÅfs not the REASON why I decided to come here. ItÅfs funny how easily the most important things just slip out of my memory. My reason fuels my purpose, and so, they arenÅft one in the same. In case I ever forget again as to why IÅfm here in Japan and not in the comforts of my own home IÅfll lay it out straight right now. I case I ever ask myself, ÅgWhy am I here?Åh IÅfll have the answer right here. IÅfM HERE BECAUSE I LOVE JESUS.
Thursday, January 10, 2002
(From journal: December 26, 2001 8:34 PM)
How should I go about saying this? Christmas was fun. Actually, it was too fun. I had a great time with other missionaries in the Yamagata areaÅc I think there were a total of 25 of us (thatÅfs including kids). We got together to sing Christmas carols in English, played games, had a white elephant gift exchange, the whole production. But as we were all celebrating Christmas together, I couldnÅft fully enjoy myself because it was there that I realized that I miss the company of English speaking people. I didnÅft miss it then. I miss it when IÅfm back hereÅc in Kaminoyama, where all I speak is Japanese or whatever you want to call the language that comes out of my mouth here. Almost every word is a struggle. Expressing thoughts is a difficult task. Social gatherings which are usually fun and exciting, become laborious and at times stressful.
And it was at this moment of realization that I envied the other missionaries who were there. On the mission assignments, families and couples had each other, singles worked hand in hand with some of the families. I, I had felt, was flying solo. ThereÅfs of course, the whole Ågspending Christmas away from homeÅh effect, going on to magnify the situation, but looking around, this is what I saw. Coming back to my room today, I couldnÅft help but feel like I wanted to get away from it all. I came away from the Christmas excursion extremely blessed, so much so that I wanted to stay. I didnÅft physically see Jesus, but IÅfm reminded once again, as I was when I was leaving home, of the story of the transfiguration of Jesus and how Peter wanted to stay on the mountain forever because of the great things he had seen there. But instead, Jesus led him back down the mountain to where the people were so that they could serve them. And as I sink into this pit of self-pity I realize how much I need Jesus. And I realize how my current relationship with Jesus is not where it should be at this current time. If it were, I wouldnÅft be crying out for the lack of companionship, but instead be realizing that my relationship with Jesus is enough. How I need Jesus now more than ever.
How should I go about saying this? Christmas was fun. Actually, it was too fun. I had a great time with other missionaries in the Yamagata areaÅc I think there were a total of 25 of us (thatÅfs including kids). We got together to sing Christmas carols in English, played games, had a white elephant gift exchange, the whole production. But as we were all celebrating Christmas together, I couldnÅft fully enjoy myself because it was there that I realized that I miss the company of English speaking people. I didnÅft miss it then. I miss it when IÅfm back hereÅc in Kaminoyama, where all I speak is Japanese or whatever you want to call the language that comes out of my mouth here. Almost every word is a struggle. Expressing thoughts is a difficult task. Social gatherings which are usually fun and exciting, become laborious and at times stressful.
And it was at this moment of realization that I envied the other missionaries who were there. On the mission assignments, families and couples had each other, singles worked hand in hand with some of the families. I, I had felt, was flying solo. ThereÅfs of course, the whole Ågspending Christmas away from homeÅh effect, going on to magnify the situation, but looking around, this is what I saw. Coming back to my room today, I couldnÅft help but feel like I wanted to get away from it all. I came away from the Christmas excursion extremely blessed, so much so that I wanted to stay. I didnÅft physically see Jesus, but IÅfm reminded once again, as I was when I was leaving home, of the story of the transfiguration of Jesus and how Peter wanted to stay on the mountain forever because of the great things he had seen there. But instead, Jesus led him back down the mountain to where the people were so that they could serve them. And as I sink into this pit of self-pity I realize how much I need Jesus. And I realize how my current relationship with Jesus is not where it should be at this current time. If it were, I wouldnÅft be crying out for the lack of companionship, but instead be realizing that my relationship with Jesus is enough. How I need Jesus now more than ever.
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