(From journal: December 10, 2001 10:27 PM)
About 2 Ω months nowÖ and Iím finally realizing the work aspect of being here. Catching a cold not too long ago has probably accelerated the process. But, the excitement of discovering new things and people has for a large part subsided. Things arenít always changing anymore, and the dust has settled. Take into consideration the fact that I feel overworked with still no clear idea of what my mission is and how I fit into the large scheme of things, and thatís where I am right now: Frustrated, tired, and physically sick, and almost half way through this project in Kaminoyama. Am I making any sort of difference here in teaching 6 English classes, leading 3 Bible studies, and meeting up with various families and individuals? And besides, all of these ministry opportunities were pretty much decided for me. And for the ministry opportunities that Iíd like to be involved inÖ thereís a bunch of problems, no time, no resources, no willing people. In terms of time, Iíd have to somehow go through the process, the ever long process of negotiating with the right people, the right way, at the right time. And itís in the worksÖ itís just that I want immediate results. Thatís my fault I guess. In terms of resources, well, I guess that simply takes faith in God. Heís done more amazing things before. As for willing people, well, the timingís just bad. Right now, everybodyís either working or in school. And here, thereís simply not much more time after work or school. Canít reach a people you donít see on a regular basis. And that bringís me to another thing, I know that the only real way to impact people is to build relationships, but they take timeÖ something neither I nor they seem to have. And besides, hypothetically if the time were there, where are the guys? I can only do so much for all the middle-aged and elderly women who have some ties to the church. And then thereís another problem, am I supposed to take the time to build the relationships only to leave moments later? This church loves talking about the missionaries who came before and how they impacted their lives. But thatís where the conversation seems to end. I mean logically, the next topic of conversation would be regarding what the church is doing to continue these great legacies. There are a few exceptions, but all thatís left seems to be a huge gaping hole in the churchís heart, a hole that only gets filled by the next missionary. And for now, thatís me. And as a result, I feel like I have to do all the things that the missionaries of the past did before me. Theyíve seen what an impact a missionary can have, and so those expectations are placed upon me. And thatís fine, Iíd like to make an impact hereÖ but the church itself needs to be the one evangelizing! The responsibility of evangelism shouldnít be placed upon the missionary or on the pastor but on the church right? But what I find myself being ìaskedî to do is teach more and more English classes solo, which is THE way the church is reaching out to the community. Iíve also taken over a cell group Bible study which is THE way the church hopes to expand. And Iíve been asked constantly to reach out to (seeking?) youth in the areaÖ again, solo, when there are others in the church who an equally if not more so qualified to do the same. I FEEL LIKE IíM THE EASY WAY OUT. ìDonít want to ask someone to do something for the church because youíre afraid that he/she doesnít want to do it?î ìWell, then go ask the missionary because heís a full time Christian worker!î
I donít want to leave a gaping hole here. When I leave for the next project, I donít want the people to wonder what theyíre going to do. Is this too much to ask?