So, I'm finally gonna write about what my experience has been as a Japanese-American, living in Japan as a missionary. Two words. It's strange. To say that I've been utterly confused would be an understatement.
Case and point. I have a postal bank account. In Japan, instead of having a normal bank account with a bank, you can have a postal bank account with the Japanese postal system. The thing that's really handy about these postal bank accounts is that you can draw money out from any post office in Japan! And in each of these post offices (that i've seen at least) is an ATM... really handy! So, on the bottom right hand corner of each of these ATMs is a button that says "English Guide." If you push the button, everything on the screen that used to be Japanese is translated into English! Very handy for those of us who are Japanese illiterate.
When you step up to the machine, the ATM says "Irasshaimase" which means "Welcome." The thing is that when you push the "English Guide" button, a voice comes out of the ATM saying "Welcome to the Post Office." Now, maybe it's just me, but i swear that the "Welcome to the Post Office" voice is twice as loud as the "irasshaimase" voice. It's like it's announcing to everybody around, "Hey, look! We've got a foreigner here!" And of course, if anyone's around, i see that heads are turned in my direction.
So, going to the point. It's weird. Sometimes, I like the attention it brings. So much so that I've found myself going to the ATM even when I don't need money. I mean, I'm Japanese-American. I look like all the other Japanese people. I just blend in. I don't have blue eyes. I don't have blond hair. I don't have white or black skin. But being a foreigner, and at the same time because I blend in so easily, sometimes I feel like I'm lost in the shuffle. I mean, I see the ways that people who look foreign get treated differently, and sometimes wish that I got the same kind of attention.
But then, sometimes, when I push that "English Guide" button, I want to shrink away. Like I'm ashamed of the fact that I'm not one of them. Why? I've been trying to figure out an answer to that question for a while now. I think it's because I find myself trying to belong. Trying to blend in. And when that voice goes out saying "Welcome to the Post Office," I suddenly feel like I'm alienated from the very people I'm trying to blend in with. So, then the next question goes, "Why am I TRYING blend in when I already do blend in?" Well, the answer's quite simple. I blend in when I'm seen from a distance. But when someone interacts with me, eyes are opened, and immediately I'm seen to be different. Most times, I don't even need to speak a word. My mannerisms, my attitudes, my expressions, are distinctly different. Maybe not American, but definitely not Japanese. And so, when the Japanese people take a closer look, I don't blend in at all.
This dualism. The blending in with the Japanese people on the outside, but the differentiation from them on the inside. But then that's not all. There's the additional dualism of my pride of being different from them, and the desire to belong as one of them. When the two link up (like in the case of liking the attention that the ATM brings), everything's cool. But of course, this isn't always the case.
And this is only when i interact with Japanese people. The same kind of thing (but reversed) happens back home and here when I interact with "Americans" (that is, non Asian descended Americans).
It's funny I bring that last point up because, the stuff I wrote just now, I expected to some degree before I came here. It's more the realization that I'm not like the other "Americans" here in Japan that surprised me. But then, that would be another post.