For a while now, on the side, I've been reading Dallas Willard's The Divine Conspiracy. Seems like it's been forever and I'm only a little passed half-way. Sure it's kind of a hefty book. But I always read a little right before going to bed, and lately, I've just been too tired to take the extra time to read an "aside book." Anyway, as I was reading it yesterday, I started thinking that a lot of the conclusions Dallas Willard makes in the book are kind of "No, duh." That's not to say that the book doesn't make me think as I read it! It's just that I learned a lot of the statements he makes... previously. Now, that could be because the book itself has already influenced the church and a number of people i've talked to along the way. Thus, I just naturally learned the things from my surroundings. And that very well could be true. I know a lot of the stuff the book presents.
But then, when I started really thinking about it, in terms of application, I don't know a lot of what the book presents. And naturally, this is the troubling point. The book focuses on the understanding of Jesus' big sermon, the Sermon on the Mount. Being a Christian, knowing and doing the stuff Jesus says is kind of important.
How much I know, and how much I KNOW know, has been the point of reflection for much of my time here in Japan. I mean, at first, when I really couldn't speak Japanese, I couldn't say nice, flowery, "deep" things about the Christian faith, Jesus, or my personal life with Jesus. I had to rely on my doing. And people being able to naturally see what I'm doing that shows that I have deep relationship with Jesus. Of course, I don't want to be obnoxious and call everybody's attention when I'm doing something that Jesus would want me to do. Besides that would go against Jesus' own teachings! So, that period of time served really as a gauge for me, to see if I'm really living and have been living a life led by Jesus. I mean I couldn't hide any shortcomings because I couldn't make people believe i'm this "spiritual guy" by my words.
The thing is that, as time went on, I realized that before I came to Japan, my "spiritually deep" words weren't necessarily for people to believe that I'm this "spiritual guy" but for me to believe that I'm this "spiritual guy." That was the primary focus. Maybe for the sake of self-image I dunno... but I had a felt need to believe that I am a better follower of Jesus than I really am.
Of course, I'm working through this. It's not like, I realized what i was doing and then, boom, I'm a changed person. But then it's not like I'm in it alone. It's been a process... but I'm grateful that the Holy Spirit, through my linguistically difficult times showed me how I could grow. This has been especially difficult because I've been getting more and more proficient in the Japanese language as time goes on... but that's not reason to stop learning Japanese! I just need to work on my mind and heart... and this is a process that is definitely far from over.