At Ben Tao's right now... after another large group meeting, waiting for Ben to finish up his paper before praying. Sitting here, I realize how much I still continue to seek people's favor. I mean just a few hours ago, during large group, I was MCing and while we were going through announcements I noticed that there were a few people waiting to give an announcement who didn't give me prior notice. I mean, about 2 months ago maybe 1 month ago, I sent an email out to all of AACF explaining that if someone wanted to make an announcement, that they'd have to contact the MC before Large Group began. So anyway, my initial reaction was pretty much non-existant. I mean i didn't appreciate the fact that people didn't notify me beforehand, but I really didn't feel irritated until I looked over to some of the other Core people. For some background, the week before, at Core meeting, we discussed about how the announcements went long the week before and that it took away from the message and we agreed that I should keep to the policy by allowing only the people who notified earlier to make their announcements. Well, they noticed that there were a bunch of people waiting to make announcements and gave me "a look," and immediately once i saw "the look" I got flustered and impatient with the whole announcement time.
Instead of being an administer of grace, I gave in into to major problems... people-pleasing and legalism. This is not to say that my response wasn't unwarranted, because if I simply didn't want the announcements to run long, there wouldn't such a problem. Instead, I'm pondering upon how i came to my reaction. The fact that my perspective changed so drastically as a result of my inner desire to please the other members of Core, and looking deeper, to flaunt my authority, show my "strength," and just be this "all-powerful Core person" really disappoints me. How did I ever allow myself to be sucked into the realm of egotism?

Also, of note, I'm going to begin the process of interviewing for leadership tomorrow. I'm pretty psyched... not just to talk to these people individually, but to see the gifts that God's given them, and the great things that He's been teaching them. So anyway, hopefully I'll keep this journal thing updated in terms of my attitudes about the entire AACF leadership selection process as the interviewing process goes on.