(From journal: November 11, 2001 12:05 AM)
Iíve lost the ability to be able to laugh. Somewhere along the way (and itís been a very gradual but quick process), I forgot how to laugh whole heartedly and more importantly, how to make myself laugh. I think it started about 6 weeks before coming here. But anyway, itís not like I donít ever laughÖ what a predicament that would be, but most of the times they feel forced, like I feel like I should laugh (with a few exceptions of course). Somewhere in the midst of my not wanting to offend anyone and not knowing how to say it in a completely different language, I simply lost it. I can speak English in the missionary get-togethers like the grow group meetingsÖ but somehow I just donít feel all that comfortable joking around with them. Part of it is not wanting to offend anyone. After all, do missionaries have a sense of humor? Thatís said jokingly of course, but sometimes I wonder. With all the business, and the ìseriousness of the work we are doing hereî, having a good time is often pushed aside and even feels absurd most times. Feels like AACF, the later years, without Ben Tao I guess.
Great things are happening thoughÖ which is the strange thing. The English Bible study with the Yamagata Medical students is proving to show a great deal of promise in terms of fruition. Although Tadaho expressed that he was only interested in the Bible study because heíd like to be a peacemaker between Christians in Japan and the rest of the Japanese people, other seekers are also showing more interest than simply English language study. According to Mrs. Aoki, one of the kids from the Friday kids English class, Mitsuyoshi, who had a history of multiple absences has been to every class so farÖ thus, exposing him to the Christian church even more because of the chapel times. I now have the opportunity to do a one-on-one English Bible study with Dr. Koseki, a man whoís been seeking for about 5 years now. Iím meeting more and more peopleÖ especially people closer to my age, all of whom donít know Christ.
No fruit yet, but the potential is definitely there. This is not a barren harvest. At the same time, I wonder, realistically, will I see fruit in my now 4 Ω months here? Also, I came to an epiphany not too long ago, in regards to a personal mission. Is there enough of me to go around to all these ìneedsî? Oh, how I wish I were a team of people instead.