(From journal: December 17, 2001 12:30 AM)
IÅfm confused. Naturally, the people around me, being different people, have very different things to say when I tell them about my uncertainty as to my purpose here in Kaminoyama. In fact, very often, I get opposing opinions. ÅgYou should treat this simply as a training time for your next ministry opportunity.Åh ÅgGod has to have an impacting reason for you to be there.Åh ÅgYouÅfre making a difference just by being there.Åh I search the Scriptures for answers, and I see Moses and how he herded sheep for 40 years before leading Israel out of Egypt. Following the same time period, I see how Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years before arriving at the Promised Land. And I see how without those ÅgtrainingÅh times, the end result would never have happened. And personally, I know that there are many areas in which I need to growÅc all of which would be improved greatly from such a training time. But IÅfm on the field now! The frontlines where God is at work in saving people from certain death. I donÅft intend on saving every soul in Kaminoyama myself, but I do intend on helping the church here save every soul in Kaminoyama. And I have 3 months left to do just that. Am I being idealistic? Is my goal unreachable? I hope not, because if it is, why has God called Christian missionaries around the world to leave the familiar back home to a completely alien culture/country? Change takes time, and hereÅc it seems to take more time, but if doing ministry in college last year has taught me anything, itÅfs that I donÅft need to be present to know that change will happen. And this brings me back to the original statementÅc IÅfm confused. By the way things are looking right now, it looks like this 6 month period is a training period for me. At the same time, I have an assuredness that IÅfm here in Kaminoyama to serve rather than to be served. Do I simply trust in the unseen ÅgblindlyÅh and assume that the undercurrents of change are starting to move?
Also, IÅfve noticed that many of the Japanese Christians here seem to be embarrassed of the Gospel message. Sure, American Christians are often too embarrassed or scared to share the message that gives them lifeÅc but the Japanese Christians seem to take it to the next level. It seems too forward they say, or it feels impolite to express their own beliefs as being facts to another. Add in the cultural shyness, and just a general feeling of inadequacy in their own spiritual experience and thatÅfs what IÅfve been witnessing all over. There are of course exceptions, but an overwhelming majority simply have no desire or intention of witnessing to the community around them. Am I going through a pessimistic rant? Maybe. Actually, probably. ItÅfs just, how can they know that their friends, their neighbors, their family members are gonna die, while they themselves know whatÅfs needed to not die? And the mere reason why they donÅft share the life saving Ågmagic potionÅh known as the Gospel, is because they feel itÅfs impolite? People are gonna die because some people want to be polite? How incredibly absurd is that?