(From journal: December 26, 2001 8:34 PM)
How should I go about saying this? Christmas was fun. Actually, it was too fun. I had a great time with other missionaries in the Yamagata areaÅc I think there were a total of 25 of us (thatÅfs including kids). We got together to sing Christmas carols in English, played games, had a white elephant gift exchange, the whole production. But as we were all celebrating Christmas together, I couldnÅft fully enjoy myself because it was there that I realized that I miss the company of English speaking people. I didnÅft miss it then. I miss it when IÅfm back hereÅc in Kaminoyama, where all I speak is Japanese or whatever you want to call the language that comes out of my mouth here. Almost every word is a struggle. Expressing thoughts is a difficult task. Social gatherings which are usually fun and exciting, become laborious and at times stressful.
And it was at this moment of realization that I envied the other missionaries who were there. On the mission assignments, families and couples had each other, singles worked hand in hand with some of the families. I, I had felt, was flying solo. ThereÅfs of course, the whole Ågspending Christmas away from homeÅh effect, going on to magnify the situation, but looking around, this is what I saw. Coming back to my room today, I couldnÅft help but feel like I wanted to get away from it all. I came away from the Christmas excursion extremely blessed, so much so that I wanted to stay. I didnÅft physically see Jesus, but IÅfm reminded once again, as I was when I was leaving home, of the story of the transfiguration of Jesus and how Peter wanted to stay on the mountain forever because of the great things he had seen there. But instead, Jesus led him back down the mountain to where the people were so that they could serve them. And as I sink into this pit of self-pity I realize how much I need Jesus. And I realize how my current relationship with Jesus is not where it should be at this current time. If it were, I wouldnÅft be crying out for the lack of companionship, but instead be realizing that my relationship with Jesus is enough. How I need Jesus now more than ever.