(From journal: December 17, 2001 12:30 AM)
IÅfm confused. Naturally, the people around me, being different people, have very different things to say when I tell them about my uncertainty as to my purpose here in Kaminoyama. In fact, very often, I get opposing opinions. ÅgYou should treat this simply as a training time for your next ministry opportunity.Åh ÅgGod has to have an impacting reason for you to be there.Åh ÅgYouÅfre making a difference just by being there.Åh I search the Scriptures for answers, and I see Moses and how he herded sheep for 40 years before leading Israel out of Egypt. Following the same time period, I see how Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years before arriving at the Promised Land. And I see how without those ÅgtrainingÅh times, the end result would never have happened. And personally, I know that there are many areas in which I need to growÅc all of which would be improved greatly from such a training time. But IÅfm on the field now! The frontlines where God is at work in saving people from certain death. I donÅft intend on saving every soul in Kaminoyama myself, but I do intend on helping the church here save every soul in Kaminoyama. And I have 3 months left to do just that. Am I being idealistic? Is my goal unreachable? I hope not, because if it is, why has God called Christian missionaries around the world to leave the familiar back home to a completely alien culture/country? Change takes time, and hereÅc it seems to take more time, but if doing ministry in college last year has taught me anything, itÅfs that I donÅft need to be present to know that change will happen. And this brings me back to the original statementÅc IÅfm confused. By the way things are looking right now, it looks like this 6 month period is a training period for me. At the same time, I have an assuredness that IÅfm here in Kaminoyama to serve rather than to be served. Do I simply trust in the unseen ÅgblindlyÅh and assume that the undercurrents of change are starting to move?
Also, IÅfve noticed that many of the Japanese Christians here seem to be embarrassed of the Gospel message. Sure, American Christians are often too embarrassed or scared to share the message that gives them lifeÅc but the Japanese Christians seem to take it to the next level. It seems too forward they say, or it feels impolite to express their own beliefs as being facts to another. Add in the cultural shyness, and just a general feeling of inadequacy in their own spiritual experience and thatÅfs what IÅfve been witnessing all over. There are of course exceptions, but an overwhelming majority simply have no desire or intention of witnessing to the community around them. Am I going through a pessimistic rant? Maybe. Actually, probably. ItÅfs just, how can they know that their friends, their neighbors, their family members are gonna die, while they themselves know whatÅfs needed to not die? And the mere reason why they donÅft share the life saving Ågmagic potionÅh known as the Gospel, is because they feel itÅfs impolite? People are gonna die because some people want to be polite? How incredibly absurd is that?

(From journal: December 10, 2001 10:27 PM)
About 2 Ω months nowÖ and Iím finally realizing the work aspect of being here. Catching a cold not too long ago has probably accelerated the process. But, the excitement of discovering new things and people has for a large part subsided. Things arenít always changing anymore, and the dust has settled. Take into consideration the fact that I feel overworked with still no clear idea of what my mission is and how I fit into the large scheme of things, and thatís where I am right now: Frustrated, tired, and physically sick, and almost half way through this project in Kaminoyama. Am I making any sort of difference here in teaching 6 English classes, leading 3 Bible studies, and meeting up with various families and individuals? And besides, all of these ministry opportunities were pretty much decided for me. And for the ministry opportunities that Iíd like to be involved inÖ thereís a bunch of problems, no time, no resources, no willing people. In terms of time, Iíd have to somehow go through the process, the ever long process of negotiating with the right people, the right way, at the right time. And itís in the worksÖ itís just that I want immediate results. Thatís my fault I guess. In terms of resources, well, I guess that simply takes faith in God. Heís done more amazing things before. As for willing people, well, the timingís just bad. Right now, everybodyís either working or in school. And here, thereís simply not much more time after work or school. Canít reach a people you donít see on a regular basis. And that bringís me to another thing, I know that the only real way to impact people is to build relationships, but they take timeÖ something neither I nor they seem to have. And besides, hypothetically if the time were there, where are the guys? I can only do so much for all the middle-aged and elderly women who have some ties to the church. And then thereís another problem, am I supposed to take the time to build the relationships only to leave moments later? This church loves talking about the missionaries who came before and how they impacted their lives. But thatís where the conversation seems to end. I mean logically, the next topic of conversation would be regarding what the church is doing to continue these great legacies. There are a few exceptions, but all thatís left seems to be a huge gaping hole in the churchís heart, a hole that only gets filled by the next missionary. And for now, thatís me. And as a result, I feel like I have to do all the things that the missionaries of the past did before me. Theyíve seen what an impact a missionary can have, and so those expectations are placed upon me. And thatís fine, Iíd like to make an impact hereÖ but the church itself needs to be the one evangelizing! The responsibility of evangelism shouldnít be placed upon the missionary or on the pastor but on the church right? But what I find myself being ìaskedî to do is teach more and more English classes solo, which is THE way the church is reaching out to the community. Iíve also taken over a cell group Bible study which is THE way the church hopes to expand. And Iíve been asked constantly to reach out to (seeking?) youth in the areaÖ again, solo, when there are others in the church who an equally if not more so qualified to do the same. I FEEL LIKE IíM THE EASY WAY OUT. ìDonít want to ask someone to do something for the church because youíre afraid that he/she doesnít want to do it?î ìWell, then go ask the missionary because heís a full time Christian worker!î
I donít want to leave a gaping hole here. When I leave for the next project, I donít want the people to wonder what theyíre going to do. Is this too much to ask?

(From journal: November 20, 200 19:42 PM)
This indeed has become the beginning. ItÅfs now been about a week since I wondered if my then glimpses of hunger for more of God would come to the fruition of a more disciplined lifestyle. And it has, over the course of the week, IÅfve been very disciplined in reading His Word, studying it, and meditating upon it. In addition, my prayer life has been rekindled. IÅfm still not where IÅfd like to be right now, but at least IÅfm climbing! And what good timing! Last night, during the Bible study with Dr. Koseki, we finished up our study on who God is. The week before we studied the Word showing that God is an immensely powerful God. I know I wrote something to the effect that the study went ok a week ago, but looking at it in hindsight, I think it stunk! I mean how can someone whoÅfs personal relationship with God is failing, show someone else how amazing God is? ItÅfs simply impossible. But well, itÅfs a good thing that during that meeting, the Word of God spoke with such authority! Anyway, last night, we talked about God as the holy God and God who identifies Himself as love, to give a more complete picture of God. And man, whatever I said about Dr. Koseki thinking about the material we covered last week can simply go out the window! YesterdayÅfs study apparently rang deep within his heart as he showed that he wanted to know a love like GodÅfs. The quote of the day was something to the effect of, ÅgIÅfve never experienced love like that. I never knew that about the Christian God.Åh It almost saddens me to know that the next topic that weÅfre going to cover is the issue of sin. But it must be done. Ito-sensei thanked me after everything was over saying that he too saw that the message touched Dr. KosekiÅfs heart very deeply. Could this have been done if I was continuing to have a poor devotional life with God? PossiblyÅc after all, everythingÅfs possible with God. Something about the Word of God has the power to be able to speak to us directly. But would I have been able to discern what God wanted me to say to Dr. Koseki to tie in all the points of GodÅfs Word? More than likelyÅc no! God could instead use some other meansÅc but it wouldnÅft be through my direct words.
So then that brings me to today. A few days back, when I was preparing for the English Bible study for the Yamadai students, I was surprised to see that the next item on the study guide was an opportunity to share the Gospel. Although, the study itself was sufficient to present the Gospel: itÅfs need and it as the solutionÅc IÅfve never really been all too big a fan of the cut-and-dry presentations of the Gospel whether it be through the Four Spiritual Laws or the Romans RoadÅc etc.. And so, inspired but what Mark Bello did about a year ago, I did a Powerpoint presentation of the things mentioned in the study along with some background. The study was still centered around the provided materials, I simply jazzed it up a bit and added some relevant material. Both Tadaho and Morio were there. They listened, heard, and asked questions about the whole thing. Equally exciting was that the existing Christians liked it and said that they learned from it. It was amazing. Tadaho apparently never heard the Gospel in its entirety. And simply came away from the meeting thinking that he had learned a lot of new information and that heÅfd have to think about the whole thing. Regardless, it was very apparent that Tadaho was thinking very hard about its relavancy and whether or not he found it all to be true. Towards the end, he asked, what he had to do to accept GodÅfs gift of salvation. After it was all done, he didnÅft say all too muchÅc instead thinking to himself about all the information he had gathered and the decision at hand. Morio came away realizing that Christianity is not simply a hobby but more a matter of life and death. No conversion stories yet, but man, this is about as close as you can get without having one. At least I know for sure that they have the Gospel in its entirety! A seed has definitely been planted.
Oh, and after being very convicted after reading Jerry BridgesÅf book The Pursuit of Holiness, and Richard FosterÅfs Celebration of Discipline, in addition to my standard devotional life IÅfve pursued the discipline of regular fastingÅc for the sake of not depending upon food but upon God, and also to help me to hear GodÅfs voice. ItÅfs been incredibly hard so far to keep it up, but itÅfs helped me keep my focus.

(From journal: November 14, 2001 9:52 PM)
Things in terms of ministry have continued to be great. Spending time here, IÅfm beginning to not only see the seeds that have been planted by laborers past, but the buds in preparation for fruit as well. The Bible study with Dr. Koseki went alright. Sounded like he already heard most of the things we talked about. Well, with some exception. We talked about God the creator, and logically following, God the all-powerful. He had this indifferent look as I went through the notes and the Bible indicating such truths. He still had the same indifferent look as I talked about the possible evidence for a divine creator. But then, something seemed to click when we talked about the complexity of the eye and itÅfs possible evidence for a divine creator. With Dr. Koseki being an optometrist, it seemed to have relevance. And although I know that he wasnÅft completely sold on the idea of God the creator, he seemed like he was willing to at least give it some thought. And so, I challenged him to look at the evidence for itself, and look for the possibility that there might be some being greater than ourselves, who has the ability to create the world as we see it. Some would say that this truth isnÅft necessary in a seeker Bible study, that we should instead start with manÅfs sin, thus being followed with Jesus as the savior. But how can one believe in a God who can create miracles if they donÅft first believe in a God who can create one of the greatest miracles of all, the creation of everything. Especially for a man trained in the sciences, whoÅfs been taught that everything can be explained by science, an utter awe of the power of God is essential, an utter awe of God Himself is essential. Jesus in His lifetime and beyond did some incredible things that cannot be explained by scienceÅc and thus, scientists would immediately disregard Christianity based upon the unexplainable.
Anyways, yesterday, during the Bible study with the Yamadai Medical students, we had a breakthrough conversation. As usual we continued the study of RuthÅc but something different happened yesterday. After I asked my take away challenge question, one of the guys who just comes for the English practice asked a spiritually relevant question. I mean, usually after we finish the study, we go into a time of English conversational study, the reason why he comes at all. Needless to say, heÅfs not a believer, or a someone anybody would consider to be a seeker. But he was willing to put that time away for something he thought was more important. Anyway, in all honesty, he said that he disregards all religion because he sees them simply as functioning to explain the meaning of things. And since he doesnÅft really care why things happen the way they do, he doesnÅft believe religion applies to him. Very understandable. After some very long conversation about the implications of believing in Christ in terms of our life hereafter, we came to some conclusion. ItÅfs still a work in progress but we now have another seeker.
While all this stuff in ministry are going great, my own spiritual life is horrible. My times with God have been completely inconsistent. I hardly ever think of God. And I, at last realize that my spiritual life is completely lacking substance. Sure, I know the right things to talk about. I even know how to communicate some of these things to others through messages and Bible studies. I know all the right things to do. But being here, makes me realize that I so depend on words to communicate the Gospel. IÅfve long criticized people who quote St Francis of Assisi who said something to the effect of continually preaching the Gospel, and if possible use words. I donÅft criticize the quote itself, but more the people who use it as an out from preaching the Gospel in words. But in the midst of my criticism, IÅfve forgotten to look at the meaning of the quote itself. I always dismissed as being almost impossible because to communicate the Gospel without words is so incredibly difficult. And so, instead of taking the next step in trying earnestly to practice these wise words of St Francis of Assisi, IÅfve dismissed them as being too hard. How I always want the easy way out! Only here in Japan, where I canÅft completely articulate all my thoughts and feelings in words, do I realize how much I talk in comparison to the little that I do. I do so little that is of Christ, and my spiritual life is almost non-existant. And yet, the amazing things in ministry continue. Some would be satisfied in saying that this is GodÅfs way of bringing glory to Himself, making sure that I donÅft bring the glory to myself thinking that because of my incredible personal holiness I have made things come into fruition. But I wonderÅc seeing how the multitudes followed Jesus after seeing His deeds, how much more effective could I be in terms of Kingdom work if I was on fire for GodÅc and thus, doing so much more than saying. At least now, I hungerÅc for more. Perhaps this will be the beginning.

(From journal: November 11, 2001 12:05 AM)
Iíve lost the ability to be able to laugh. Somewhere along the way (and itís been a very gradual but quick process), I forgot how to laugh whole heartedly and more importantly, how to make myself laugh. I think it started about 6 weeks before coming here. But anyway, itís not like I donít ever laughÖ what a predicament that would be, but most of the times they feel forced, like I feel like I should laugh (with a few exceptions of course). Somewhere in the midst of my not wanting to offend anyone and not knowing how to say it in a completely different language, I simply lost it. I can speak English in the missionary get-togethers like the grow group meetingsÖ but somehow I just donít feel all that comfortable joking around with them. Part of it is not wanting to offend anyone. After all, do missionaries have a sense of humor? Thatís said jokingly of course, but sometimes I wonder. With all the business, and the ìseriousness of the work we are doing hereî, having a good time is often pushed aside and even feels absurd most times. Feels like AACF, the later years, without Ben Tao I guess.
Great things are happening thoughÖ which is the strange thing. The English Bible study with the Yamagata Medical students is proving to show a great deal of promise in terms of fruition. Although Tadaho expressed that he was only interested in the Bible study because heíd like to be a peacemaker between Christians in Japan and the rest of the Japanese people, other seekers are also showing more interest than simply English language study. According to Mrs. Aoki, one of the kids from the Friday kids English class, Mitsuyoshi, who had a history of multiple absences has been to every class so farÖ thus, exposing him to the Christian church even more because of the chapel times. I now have the opportunity to do a one-on-one English Bible study with Dr. Koseki, a man whoís been seeking for about 5 years now. Iím meeting more and more peopleÖ especially people closer to my age, all of whom donít know Christ.
No fruit yet, but the potential is definitely there. This is not a barren harvest. At the same time, I wonder, realistically, will I see fruit in my now 4 Ω months here? Also, I came to an epiphany not too long ago, in regards to a personal mission. Is there enough of me to go around to all these ìneedsî? Oh, how I wish I were a team of people instead.

(From Journal: November 8, 2001 11:03 PM)
In the midst of all the busyness and all the noise surrounding meÖ Iíve forgotten to ask God why Iím here in Kaminoyama. Considering that Iím only here for six months to get ready for the ìlong haulî of 1 Ω years in a completely different locationÖ Iíve been wondering, why didnít God just bring me to Japan six months later? And so, Iíve also been wondering the follow-up question saying, ìWell, in that case He must have something in store for me hereÖ what is it?î Ahhh, but constant busyness can keep you away from asking such questionsÖ and keeps you from staying long enough to hear the answer! Regardless, yesterday, I went to visit the Davisí in Obanazawa with the intent of just having a good time and just getting acquainted. Needless to say, I got much more than that. Of course, they were here in Kaminoyama for some time before Kristy came here. And for a while we went through the small talk and asking the polite questionsÖ etc. etc.. But I was truly blessed by the time we had just ìcomparing notesî talking about our experiences in Kaminoyama and the church here. Just by comparing notesÖ I realized just how far the church has come along since they left the church. I always heard from Kristy about the fact that the church here has changed considerably over the past year, but the talk with the Davisí really confirmed that with real concrete things that Iíve witnessed for myself. But that wasnít it. Midstream, as I was talking to them about the things Iíve seen, I realized how God could possibly use me for this 6 month stint.
Talking with other missionaries here with LIFE, Iíve always heard, weíre not just here for language teaching. And I thought I understood. ìSure,î Iíd think to myself, ìweíre here to evangelize to Japan by reaching out to those who donít know Jesus!î But there were two things that were wrong. First, in terms of action and time spent, it sure looked like I was here in Kaminoyama for the sake of English teaching. Sure, thereíd be a chapel time after the English lessonÖ and in that sense I was really helping the church reach out to otherwise unreached people. But I always came away from that thinkingÖ being very unsatisfied, wondering if the church would continue to be able to reach out to the community without a missionary present. This is one of the foremost goals right? That a church would be able to effectively reach out to its community so that it could effectively church plantÖ thus, making the whole process self-sustaining. And so, Iíd go back to the wonderings of what exactly am I doing here?
After talking to the Davisí I came away with a sense of a personal mission for six months. Which is why there were two things that were wrong. The second being, before I had a sense of being the only member of the evangelistic arm of the church. In essence, I thought I was going to do lone ranger type work. After all, Iím not here with a team. Itís just me in Kaminoyama. Or so I thought. Since Iíve been here, slowly, Iíve noticed that many members of the church here are extremely gifted. Itís just that, I only see glimpses of it because most of the members for some reason or another, simply donít take roles of leadership within the church. But because of my own busyness (or sense of it) I never put two and two together. On the long train ride back to Kaminoyama (about 2 hours), I thought about how I could possibly encourage these members to ìstep up.î And that was it. Itís been said before that if you catch fish for a guy then heíll have enough food for a day, but if you teach a guy how to fish, then heíll have enough food for a lifetime. Similarly, instead of concentrating all my energy towards personally reaching out to the lost in the community, I should spend a considerable portion of it training the already existing church to reach the community. After all, I have some experience in doing such both in college and at church back home. I have the Bible studies, and messages that I can adapt to become Bible studies regarding the subject. Itís just that with personally reaching out to people, Iíve realized that especially here in Japan, you need to build a repoire before anything can happen. Although I donít quite have a strong repoire with the church members yetÖ I can tell that itís growing quickly in comparison to those who are not members of the church. AhhÖ laity leadership empowerment. I get goosebumps thinking about the possibilities. Itíd definitely leave a more permanent impact after I leave. Once again, my job is to work myself out of a job. Can it be done? Well, considering the possible impact, Iíd have to give it a try.

(From Journal: October 28, 2001 11:33 PM)
Well, today was my first day of actual ministry. How would I describe it? Maybe I should first describe what ÅgministryÅh was done today. Starting at seven oÅfclock at night, we held a Bible Challenge at the Kaminoyama church in which anybody who was uncertain about anything in the Bible would have their needs met and questions answered. A very seeker oriented program, I think started up by Kristy Evans the last associate who was just here. And as she was leaving, this ministry opportunity was just placed in my lap to begin as soon as I was ready to begin. Truly an unexpected, great opportunity like the opportunity to lead an English Bible study at the Yamagata Medical School.
So anyway, what happened? It was a no show. The people in attendance were myself, Pastor Ito (who I needed as a translator), and Ryoko, his wife, who came later for prayer and moral support. After an hour and a half of waiting in the sanctuary we decided to call it quits and go home. To say that it was a blow to my ego is an understatement. Not to say that I was demoralized, because we left in good spirits, optimistic of the future meetings. But today was the day that I finally realized why IÅfm here. Previous to today, I was totally unaware of the spiritual state of this place. Sure, I knew about the spiritual oppression that kept the Japanese from accepting Christ. Sure, I knew about the disheartening population religious breakdown percentages. And so, in those senses I ÅgknewÅh about the spiritual state of Japan. But everything up to this point has been presented with an up-swing. Programs were already set up. More importantly, people were starting to seek. In essence, it wasnÅft necessary for me to be here. Japan was presented as a bountiful harvest that had already begun. The work of missionaries of the past have done the job of jump starting the movement to completion. I took the mentality of doing ministry in America here to Japan. How does this play itself out? Well, the measure of logistical failure is a good example. A turn out of five people to an outreach event in an American church would constitute relative failure. ÅgSomething went wrong,Åh we would say. ÅgMaybe there wasnÅft enough publicity,Åh ÅgMaybe we didnÅft pray hard enough,Åh and down the list of logistical issues we would go. In all my years of ministry (few as they are), never have I witnessed a complete no show for an outreach event. There were plenty of times when we wouldnÅft see any fruit from an event, but we would always come away with the assurance that at least one seed had been planted, and that the Gospel was expressed to one who did not believe. Even for a low turn out event, weÅfd come away assuring ourselves that numbers donÅft matter and that Ågeven if one person was touched by the presentation of the Gospel,Åh that it was worth it all. But what happens at a no show? IÅfve never had to think about such things.

(From Journal: October 18, 2001)
Now, IÅfm just realizing just how much work IÅfll be participating in during my six month stay here. ItÅfs what IÅfd call an ÅgOh boyÅh outlook. Today, we had a Kaminoyama leadership meeting and we finally charted out my responsibilities and discussed the extent of how much IÅfd do for the church. Thankfully, IÅfm able to keep the Mondays as a day off, and devote Tuesdays to doing the Yamadai Bible Study during the late afternoon and dinner with the students during the night. It also looks like Saturdays are offÅc at least temporarily. Mornings and early to mid afternoons are generally off with the exception of the weekly LIFE meetings on Thursdays and of course church on Sundays. But these times are likely to be filled up later with Japanese language classes and recreational study timesÅc depending on how much I want to do of course. The five English class load is what surprised me. Closing off any possibility of doing anything else on Wednesdays and Thursdays after 4. And itÅfs getting pretty close on Fridays as well. Then thereÅfs the smorgasbord of stuff after church on Sundays. Looking at my schedule so far though, I canÅft help but wonder whatÅfs going to happen with the area spiritually after I leave. To begin with, most of my time is spent teaching English. Also, will the Yamadai Bible Study continue to exist afterwards? Really, with the exception of the Sunday School assistance, I am not only the leader of the actual program, but the only one leadingÅc with no indigenous leadership attached. A case can be made about the English classes, as the chapel time, the true ministry aspect, is led by church membersÅc but without the actual English classes, people would hardly come to chapel time, at least so I think.
Regardless, with all the busyness that seems to be coming quite rapidly, I donÅft think IÅfll ever be able to deal with my realization that I depend on busyness for my feelings of self-worth. This was especially true on the 14thÅc as not only was I homesick, but I just didnÅft know what I was doing here. Why? Simply because I wasnÅft doing anything.

Hard to believe... but a week from now, hopefully I'll be confirmed to go to Japan, depending on the whole financial situation of course. Am I freaking out? No. Will I? More than likely. It's just that so far, all the preparation has been mental and spiritual... untangible changes. Gimme a week, when the boxes get shipped out by sea mail, descriptions of the church and apartment get sent to me... then we'll see how I feel about the whole thing.
So what else? Camp's been done for two weeks now. It was an incredible week. Other than that, things have been pretty relaxed.

It's been quite some time since i've logged onto this thing. Almost forgot all about it I guess. Whew and what a journey it's been since the last entry! AACF leadership's been passed onto the next group. I graduated... thank you thank you! But that whole graduation thing was a photo finish. Just simply too close! It was like one of those Indiana Jones scenes... just barely was able to escape from death (or not graduating in my case i suppose) and for added measure grabbed my hat (i dunno my equivalent in this situation) for style.
So what now? I really don't know. I've been home. Sounds sad already. But it's been interesting. And i'm not just saying that to make myself feel better about the current situation. It's been a relaxing summer... something i always needed. Been visiting friends every now and then... see how they're doing... stuff like that. Been taking care of stuff at home... considering that I never really spent all that much time with my family during the last four years... it's been good and something that was emotionally needed. Sure there have been occassions when I've clashed with family members because of the newly restored "constraint" that the typical post-college person is expected to encounter. But honestly, in light of everything... taking a holistic perspective, it's been rather pleasant.
So onto the next step. Japan should be right around the corner but i dunno... i think it all really depends on how the support raising goes. And things look rather optimistic... but this is all projections... nothing set in concrete. So here I hang right now... waiting for the next step which i know will happen eventually although hopefully it'll start late this september. It's weird. I've realize now that I've always had a current project of some sorts. Obviously, the big one, school, has loomed over my head for a considerable chunk of my life. And in between years... there's always been a quest of some sorts... something I'm doing. But things now... they're different. I'm in between phases... between the college phase, and whatever's supposed to take place after. I know what i'm supposed to be doing. I'm supposed to be preparing myself for Japan. But how i tire from "preparing myself." My impatience has caused me to want the next step now so i can just immerse myself in the situation. I suppose... at the core of it all, I just need to be busy. Not terribly busy as I was in college... but just enough so that I'm not doing something for the future but for the present. And seeing this on the screen now... i see that i'm more in need of preparation than i thought i did.
Come to think about though... in the realm of preparation... i'm somewhat lost. All the training that i've received... has been in regards to when the situation arises... and not before such situations come about. In essence i've never been trained in training. AHh but i have. I trained next year's CORE for Berkeley AACF. Shouldn't i then review what i said and what i "taught" and look at them from the receiving perspective? In essence, practice what i preach? Indeed.

Just want to make sure this thing is still working... kinda fiddled around with some things.

Just finished the last of the interviews for AACF leadership. Realized on the walk back home that I'm really gonna struggle with actively seeking for God's will through the rest of the process. I mean, right now, based on how the interviews went, I could decide for myself who I think are ready and truly willing for leadership. It's just that there are two problems with the approach... one quite a bit bigger than the other. The less of importance being that there are 3 others on Core ... i mean it's not completely my own decision. But the most important problem being my inability right now to remove all previous biases and personal inclinations... and really asking God who He wants to lead His people at AACF. I'm realizing right now that with the approach i'm taking right now, I'm looking at it such that I'm making the decisions as to who I deem to be ready and willing for leadership. It's just a good thing that I've spotted this problem with my mentality before this coming Friday... just a few days from now. In the meantime I simply have to spend some extensive quality time with Him so that I may be of the same mind as Him.

At Ben Tao's right now... after another large group meeting, waiting for Ben to finish up his paper before praying. Sitting here, I realize how much I still continue to seek people's favor. I mean just a few hours ago, during large group, I was MCing and while we were going through announcements I noticed that there were a few people waiting to give an announcement who didn't give me prior notice. I mean, about 2 months ago maybe 1 month ago, I sent an email out to all of AACF explaining that if someone wanted to make an announcement, that they'd have to contact the MC before Large Group began. So anyway, my initial reaction was pretty much non-existant. I mean i didn't appreciate the fact that people didn't notify me beforehand, but I really didn't feel irritated until I looked over to some of the other Core people. For some background, the week before, at Core meeting, we discussed about how the announcements went long the week before and that it took away from the message and we agreed that I should keep to the policy by allowing only the people who notified earlier to make their announcements. Well, they noticed that there were a bunch of people waiting to make announcements and gave me "a look," and immediately once i saw "the look" I got flustered and impatient with the whole announcement time.
Instead of being an administer of grace, I gave in into to major problems... people-pleasing and legalism. This is not to say that my response wasn't unwarranted, because if I simply didn't want the announcements to run long, there wouldn't such a problem. Instead, I'm pondering upon how i came to my reaction. The fact that my perspective changed so drastically as a result of my inner desire to please the other members of Core, and looking deeper, to flaunt my authority, show my "strength," and just be this "all-powerful Core person" really disappoints me. How did I ever allow myself to be sucked into the realm of egotism?

Also, of note, I'm going to begin the process of interviewing for leadership tomorrow. I'm pretty psyched... not just to talk to these people individually, but to see the gifts that God's given them, and the great things that He's been teaching them. So anyway, hopefully I'll keep this journal thing updated in terms of my attitudes about the entire AACF leadership selection process as the interviewing process goes on.

First time trying this journaling program for the web. Just want to see if it works like I think it will. Hey, maybe I'll use this when I'm out on missions later this year!